My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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