Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
