Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
