Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
