Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
