when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
