Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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