At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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