If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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