the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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