I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
