My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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