It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
