He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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