They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
