ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
