shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Never underestimate the power of titties
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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