I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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