Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
