i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
