Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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