Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
