That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
