I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
