I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
