Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
