NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
