Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My life is pants optional.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
