i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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