Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
