he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
