So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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