Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
