I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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