You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
