Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you inspire me to be a worse person
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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