I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
