I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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