His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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