I wish I only lived at night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
