you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
