I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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