I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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