I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
