If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
