when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
