I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
