when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
