I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
