I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
